my semi-charmed life

2006-09-20T23:39:00.000+08:00

duuude, cna i jst say the drkingk pala is fuuuuun? lkie sua;poeerrr. but im npt asaying this bcaseu i'm dnurk. i'm drunk. for the frsit tiem in my life, i am drunk.i mnean, i cam still see the monitor adn all, but i'm floatngi. im; writng this entry bcuase i hvae tp docmument my drunkk self fpr psych. the neerihcmment prokjec.t.okay,mmingkay. write and tpye well. do it pfrectly. you cna do uit. write wth no typgraphopoucal errprs/. erros. werrrprs. ahh fcul. fcuk. no errores. errors. heehee.ha[[ppy bdrthday,mar!i lvoe my bestfriend. he's lkie the bestest ebuuuurrr/ ver/ ever. i''l die wihout him. i thiank there relaly is a corelation btween gettng frunk and poeple loveing more.i love you, veryone! i lvoe the bitchs, mar, isa, kay, tetil, jo, mar;s dormmates, ar's hot cosin jom, cha, mangui. uy. mangiu. i love that boy. hehe.bht he doesn't know how mchu, so shus.h. don't tell.i'm happy. whee whee whee.but you knwo what? i don't like being drunk. like i dnt know. i feel haevy. and i prmise that after this,no mreo drikning!my head hurts. goodbyee.

2006-03-07T21:14:00.000+08:00

yesterday, as i was on my way to school from the drug store to have my anti-tetanus shot, i chanced upon a very interesting tricycle driver.

he was of middle age, between late 30's to early 40's i think. he had a very easy smile, and he was not arrogant nor snobbish. i was fixing my bandage, when he struck a conversation with me, telling me how wonderful his trips were that day, since all of them didn't require him to travel to far places in katipunan. he was telling me how nice his day was, and i was kind of taken aback at his positivity.

this is one unique driver, i said to myself. halfway through our conversation, with me explaining to him how i got my scrape, he butted in and asked my how my boyfriend was doing. i laughed, and said i don't have one anymore.

"Sa ganda mong 'yan, aba, hindi pwedeng wala kang boyfriend!"

that statement amde me smile and appreciate Manong Emil more. i was feeling really down yesterday, and unknown to the driver, he somehow managed to uplift my spirit. we continued to talk about my choice to not be in a relationship as of the moment, when he suddenly talked about his love life...

"Ang unang asawa ko ang minahal ko ng sobra. Sa kanya ako dead na dead."

Whoa. i asked him how many wives he's had, when he smiled his very toothy grin and told me he had three. Aba! Ibang klase rin 'tong mokong na 'toh! Hahaha. but, of the three, he loved (and still loves) the first. i guess first love really never dies, huh?

he told me about his kids, and how they all were first kids.. haha. we had a very light-hearted conversation about the stupidities of our love lives, when he dropped another bomb into the conversation.

"Sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa kanya, nabilanggo ako."

uh-oh. hearing a confession this big out of the blue is something that's big enough to make you think about the extent of your love for someone. i asked him why, and he said that he killed his wife's paramour. DING-DING-DING.

"Hindi ko ma.gets kung bakit niya ako niloko. tinanong ko nga sa sarili ko, hindi pa ba sapat ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya? sa sobrang selos ko, napatay ko 'yung lalaki niya."

when i heard those words, i couldn't believe my ears. here i was, baring souls with a man who spent 8 years of his life in prison for killing a man! he was an ex-convict! and i suddenly felt myself stiffen... should i continue our talk? or should i shut up and just focus on getting to school alive?

he must have noticed the sudden change of air, because he told me things that appeased my uneasy self. :)

"wag kang mag-alala, mabait na ako. nagbagong buhay na ako, para sa anak namin." and he said these words gently, with a smile, and i couldn't help but believe him. then we continued to talk about his life right after he got freed from jail, and how seeing her with a new guy broke his heart, but he chose not to dwell on it for their kid's sake.

"hindi ako galit sa kanya. mahal ko pa rin siya hanggang ngayon, at nagpapasalamat na lang akong nagkaroon kami ng anak. sa anak namin ko na lang ibinubuhos ang lahat ng pagmamahal."

when we finally reached gonzaga, i thanked him for such a wonderful conversation and told him that he was such an interesting man. he smiled shyly and accepted the fare i handed to him. with one last pahabol, he said to me:

"pareho kaming nag-take ng drugs noon. doon kami nagka-inlaban."

and he sped off with a jovial grin.

now, that must be the sweetest thing. <3.

2006-03-04T09:36:00.000+08:00

i want to sleep forever.

2006-02-17T19:42:00.000+08:00

because i have been bugged by *ehemnicoleehem* to blog, here i am. blogging. duh. hehe.

well, i owe you people a lot of stories, but i really don't know where to start, or what to exactly say. sheesh.

hmmm.. how about GO AND WATCH BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN ang GOAL?

(warning: brokeback's a bit dragging, but stay up for the hotness! ;D jake gyllenhaal's already mine, you can take heath ledger, if you like. hehe.)

i honestly haven't watched goal yet, but the team's planning to watch it together, i just hope it pushes through. whee. i'm excited. :D

-

we have a festival tomorrow that i'm not even excited about. psh.

2006-02-04T16:59:00.000+08:00

yeah, boy. it's the start of my first long weekend for this year. hooray for Fr. Nebres and his President's Day. whatever that is, i really don't give a fruck. haha. no classes on monday, baybeee!! :p

i just came from school to watch the RIFA Festival. rj, i missed you!! *hugs*

can i just say this? BLUI ARRIOLA and JOM-JOM GONZALES (who happens to be mar's first cousin) are the shizznits.. woohooo. i now resign from my anti-boys position. it's hard. hey, anyone interested to fill my spot? HAHAHHAHA.

i think i'm turning pedo. i like hot highschool boys. HAHAHAHAHA.

so? sue me. :p

2006-01-26T19:41:00.000+08:00

go east on sunrise highway, and i'll be there waiting for you.

2006-01-17T23:52:00.000+08:00

fuckity fuck fuck.

BOYS ARE SHIT.

i am now the president of the ANTI-BOYS CLUB.

says who? says ME.

2006-01-14T12:55:00.000+08:00

download rain, by breaking benjamin.

2006-01-12T13:57:00.000+08:00

i miss my SBT. :(

2006-01-11T19:58:00.000+08:00

i want to quit the team. it's not because i want to, want to. it's because i'm so tired of THIS. of everything. we've been together for six long fucking months, and nothing, i repeat, NOTHING, is ever improving.

are you guys so used to losing that you're already so contented with the way we're performing now? well, let me tell you something. I'M NOT. I'M SO FUCKED UP WITH HEARING THOSE "DOWNER" STORIES ABOUT US BEING JUST A PSEUDO-VARSITY TEAM. fuck you. hell, no. we are not just a second-rate team, we're also bearing the school name, colors, and logo! what's the difference??

i'm so tired of you guys dragging me and the rest of the team into shame and pity, just because we're associated with you. if you're not totally into this sport, then LEAVE. we won't die without you anyway. WE joined the team, because we're dedicated to it, and not because we want the fame or the pretty jerseys. we want to LEARN the sport, and actually be good at it.

now, if that's too hard for you to understand, then it's better if you voluntarily remove yourself from the team. i totally think we're better of without you anyway.

i really think that we have the potential to be a strong team, but the problem is, no one is paying attention to that fact. only a few are aware of the hidden capabilities, and some of them are too scared to speak their minds out.

if we continue to be like this, then we might as well say goodbye to our dreams of ever beating the OTHER varsity, because with the way we're performing, we can absolutely be called chicken shit if compared to them.

we always talk about our dreams of winning a championship, or proving to the world that we're also praiseworthy, but they'll only remain as dreams if we don't do something about them. realizing dreams takes 90% hardwork, too. you can't just wish something into life. you have to WORK for it.

i hate this. i'm sooo tired of losing guys. i know you are, too. so, please.. let's do well. let's not only do this for the team and coach. let's also do it for ourselves.

2006-01-10T22:05:00.000+08:00

I LIKE HIM.

i like him, i like him, i like him.

(cha, if you're reading this, ayaw na sha'g awaya gud. BRIGHT bitaw sha. NINDOT pa gyud ug LAWAS. sus.)

hehe.

whoopsidooo.

i saw him kanina sa moro.. hahaha.

he is HOTNESS PERSONIFIED.

2006-01-10T20:53:00.000+08:00

i was tagged by nicole my labs, so here goes... "the eight ideal traits."

my ideal guy is:
-tall, moreno/tan, and athletic.
-has a knee-weakening smile that can instantly brighten up my day.
-has to-die-for, expressive eyes that i can melt into.
-MUST be able to understand my craziness, and adapt to my monstrous mood swings.
-MUST love me for who i am.
-MUST respect my family and friends..
-smells good. haha.
-is sensible. (read: wit and humor go hand in hand, duuuuude.)

*this is just how i picture my "perfect" guy. but of course, when it comes to love, all the rules are broken, the limits defied. :)

...and i tag abitch, kristabitch, ana, regibitch, ley, nikay, cha, and dre. :)

2006-01-10T19:02:00.000+08:00

I WANT A PUG.

2006-01-08T23:03:00.000+08:00

thanks for making me happy tonight, even for just a few minutes. :)

2006-01-07T20:05:00.000+08:00

it's over.

i loved you, you know.

but you broke my heart.

and i don't know if it ever will be whole again.

no matter how strong the love, with a single infliction of deep pain, everything goes down the drain.

***

goodbye. thanks for some of the best moments of my life. i just hope that it won't take me forever to heal and get over you.

2006-01-07T17:13:00.000+08:00

our idea on perfection

The idea of perfection is very subjective; it differs greatly, depending on how the person perceives it to be. If the way I classify perfection is unlike yours, then what really is perfection?

The world uses the term “perfection” as something ordinary, when in fact, it is not. We don't have an idea of what it truly is. If the definition of perfection follows no clear standard or basis, then it should be imaginary, or a fictional idea. And if it is either of the two, how can you explain heaven, or the concept of perfection that companies throw to their consumers to flaunt their prowess?

Most of us grew up accepting that there is only one perfect, flawless thing in this vast universe, and that is heaven itself. We were made to believe that mortals as we are, we commit mistakes, and by doing so, not only do we embrace customariness and mortality, we also validate the theory that no one can ever be perfect. With perfection tagged as a far-fetched ideal, is deception its closest kin? Is anything that banks itself on the idea of perfection a lie, a joke, a deceitful promise?

Take for example the case of utopia, or paradise at its best. To simplify it, it would mean that we would not act as humans, if I’m not mistaken, since in utopia, everything is in order, and in its perfect place. And to not be human, to not err, is to become a programmed mechanism. A robot. Now, is that what we call perfect? If we had it the other way around, it wouldn’t be perfect, as well.

There is an ideal “perfection”, but we would each have a different “perfection” to bring home, so it’s rather individualistic in its approach. We cannot afford to think that mass perfection is attainable in this world, because perfection is an idea for every person, and the way it appears is his or her own. All the ideas on perfection will never sum up to a sole universal perfection, mainly because we don’t think alike. The uniqueness of a person’s insight is an intrinsic value that is a key to his identity.

That is then why there can never be “one perfect perfection”, not only because we are different from one another, but because from time to time, we ourselves change.

So if everything changes, what will remain perfect?

2006-01-07T00:48:00.000+08:00

i just came from gateway with ate jus, nikay, and cha. after a long day and a training session that didn't appear to be as fun and as exciting as i expected, (read: bad game) i thought i deserved a break. so, we watched Blue Moon.

guess what? I F*CKING CRIED. it's such a good movie, that i'd gladly watch it again, anytime soon. i seriously think that it's the only productive movie that's shown in the theaters today. MMFF should stand for Metro Manila Fantasy Festival, with the good number of fantasy-inspired films they're airing in the moviehouses, with bad graphics pa. argh. good thing that Blue Moon gave me the sweet refuge i was looking for. haha. go watch it. i'm sure you won't be regretting it. ;)

***

i saw him today. big blue. twice. and i got to say hi to him, too. does that mean that i'm not that into him anymore? i mean, not as much as i used to? to answer my own question, maybe. i couldn't force myself to look his way or say hi to him before. but now, i can. haha. good job. i haven't been thinking that much about him, too.

know why? because my attention has been snagged by this guy, who, before you jump into conclusions, is so NOT my type, but there's just something in him that pulls me towards him. maybe it's his quiet nature, or the fact that he's an athlete, just like me.

don't call me shallow, but i just think that lifestyles matter. i mean, i can't possibly hold up a relationship with a guy who doesn't have the same likes and wants as i do! they say that opposites attract, yes, but sometimes, having some things in common also fuel a possible relationship.

but, blah. what am i saying? i am not looking for any relationship right now. i'm taking my own time to heal, and patch up the scars. they're ugly, but i can stand scarred for the rest of my life.

now, back to this boy. he's tall, moreno, an athlete, and a good thinker. how do i know the last one? because. because. because.

...because i read his blog. HAHAHA. i'm not a stalker, ha! :p he just writes to exceptionally well for a guy that it's almost impossible! whoo. read his poems, and you'll melt. but of course i won't link him up. he's not a friend. hehe.

maybe it's his soft, poetic side that pulls me to him. *sigh*

but, i repeat: HE IS UGLY.

oh my god. did i just say that?

2006-01-05T21:12:00.000+08:00

i am: feeling fat. >=/
i miss: Cebu, my family, and friends.
i want: a nice, long, and warm bath.
i hate: pressure.
i have: a lot of homeworks that need to be finished.
i fear: losing my loved ones.
i play: football, and the guitar.
i hear: the sound of my own fingers tapping on the keyboard.
i care: for my family, friends, and my dog!
i smile: if something tickles my thoughts.
i wonder: why in this world, deception is believed to be the essence of tru romance.
i love: food.
i think: about how my life would be after college.
i always: procrastinate, and curse. haha.
i am not: failing any subject ever... again.
i sing: when i feel like it. or when i want to piss people off. ;)
i wish: for a happy life. (don't we all?)
i keep: special friendships.
i can: kick a ball. laze around. be a bitch. eat a lot.
i can't: sing. AT ALL.
i write: to express my emotions.
i won: in a pusoy dos game kanina. :p
i lost: my favorite shirt. *sniff*
i smell: my stinky self. HAHAHA.
i confuse: love and infatuation.
i need: stop thinking about a certain someone.
i should: take a bath, brush my teeth, do my homework, and sleep.

2006-01-05T16:00:00.000+08:00

i am MAN trapped in a WOMAN's clothing. ;)

2006-01-04T20:11:00.000+08:00

this is my first post for this year. yay. but as much as i want it to be substantial, i don't think i can. nothing blog-worthy happened to me today, except for the fact that today is also the first day of school for this year, and first training session for this year, too. hehe.

training was fun today. :D although i literally was out of breath, i still enjoyed running after the ball, trying to score goals, and goofing around with my teammates. i missed them.

oh my god, you don't know how freaked out i was during the training earlier. all my attempts wouldn't score!!! i swear, i was mad and annoyed at myself. i was even scared that maybe my foot was cursed or something. hehe. i know, i know. stupid possibility. but still, what was i to think when all my kicks went outside the goal??

it was a good thing that around 30 minutes into the practice, my moves(hehe) somehow managed to reappear. haha. we scrimmaged, and i managed to score two goals, no matter how tired i was. haha. so that makes up for my frustrations before the game started. *clap, clap*

and for the highlight of the day, my friends.. (drumroll, please) i STARTED cooking!! haha. i cooked my lunch, which was bacon and longganisa, ALONE! :p aren't i amazing? wahaha. but i burned my finger. well, not really burned, but you know. some hot and mean oil decided to take its revenge on me, and you get my point, right? so there. at least i was able to eat the food i cooked. and therefore, i conclude, i am a passable chef. :p (of course i'm biased.) i also cooked my dinner. yum. ;) i don't know for how long i'll be doing this, but right now, i'm sticking with my vow to not eat fast food anymore, along with not taking the trike, and losing the 20 pounds i gained. haha. wish me luck. ;)

2005-12-31T23:34:00.000+08:00

2005 has been a challenging year for me. it was a year full of hardships and troubles, and it was also a year that required me to grow up and be independent. seriously.

although that it wasn't really my year, i still feel happy that within the year, there were moments made that i will treasure for a lifetime. new friendships were formed, new bonds made, new talents discovered, new stories shared, new opportunities to grasp, new chances for a better life.

i wish everyone a very happy new year, and i hope that 2006 will be a better year for all of us.

2005-12-30T21:47:00.000+08:00

i took this from ley. :D

-

What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
drank alcohol, lived away from home, be independent. :p

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i really don't make resolutions, because i hardly remember them.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
no, i don't think so.

Did anyone close to you die?
thankfully, no.

What countries did you visit?
zilch.

What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
contentment.

What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
august 1, 2005. my birthday. hehe.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
surviving a life away from the comforts of home. learning to play the guitar. getting into the school's other team. haha.

What was your biggest failure?
failing filipino, and falling short of my family's expectations. :(

Did you suffer illness or injury?
uhh.. strained right hamstring? hehe.

What was the best thing you bought?
raul. <3.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
coach's. bravo. :D

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
someone sa team. argh.

Where did most of your money go?
to my stomach.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
seeing him/being FINALLY friends with him. (him=big blue=my uber crush)

What song(s) will always remind you of 2005?
my humps?? haha. tae.

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? -sadder:(
ii. thinner or fatter? -FATTER. bullsh*t.
iii. richer or poorer? -richer?? hehe.

What do you wish you'd done more?
studied harder, trained better.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
love. :

How many one-night stands?
NONE, duh.

What was your favorite TV program?
newly-discovered? ONE TREE HILL. ha! :p

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
hate? wala siguro, but super-annoyed at, yeah. there's one person.

What was the best book you read?
the chronicles of a death foretold.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
hellogoodbye, deathcab for cutie, the working title, the postal service, cartel. :D

What did you want and get?
my football life back. :D (and, raul.)

What was your favorite film of this year?
the sisterhood of the traveling pants. bridget's hhooott. hehe. :p

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
17. came home to cebu for the first time since i went to manila, and i had a nice time with my family and friends. yay! :D

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
spending it with my loved ones near me.. :(

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
still me, just a bit more dressy. haha.

What kept you sane?
God, my family, friends, music, football, food.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
david beckham. is there anyone else? hahaha.

What political issue stirred you the most?
hello garci. hehe.

Who did you miss?
my family and friends.

Who was the best new person you met?
there are two, actually. :D my sbt loves, saab and nicole. ;)

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
1) love is often not enough. :(

What was the nicest thing someone told you about yourself?
that i'm blessed to have what i have, and be who i am today. *sniff*

The most touching experience you've had this year?
someone gave me a blown-up picture of the two of us together.. when we were still happy and in love. (shyet, kinsa kha?? waah.)

What did you like most about yourself this year?
my brave move to almost totally shave my hair off. hahaha.

What did you hate most about yourself this year?
My weakness for him.:( -amen, ley, amen!

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Stop, turn. Take a look around. And all the lights and sounds, let 'em bring you in. Slow, burn. Let it all fade out, and pull the curtain down, and wonder where you've been."

Was 2005 a good year for you?
Not really, but there have been a few good parts. :)

What was your favorite moment of the year?
highschool graduation!!! haha.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?
this month, december. it's a sad one for me. :

Where were you when 2005 began?
at home, having a new year's party.

Who were you with?
Family.: )

Where will you be when 2005 ends?
At home, as always. :D

Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
Family. :)

Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
nope. things to do, yes. hehe.

What was your favorite month of 2005?
november. <3.

Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
not physically.

Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Yes. :(

What was your favorite record from 2005?
district sleeps alone tonight-the postal service

How many concerts did you see in 2005?
none. ha! :p

Did you drink a lot of alchohol in 2005?
nope. ;)

did a lot of drugs in 2005?
*yawn* no.

did anything you are ashamed of this year?
i think so, yes.

How much money did you spend in 2005?
i don't remember..

What was your proudest moment of 2005?
flying to and from home all by myself! HAHAHAHA.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
i quote the all american rejects, "i'll keep you my dirty little secret. " :p

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
no regrets, kiddo.

What are your plans for 2006?
get good grades.

How are you different now that the year has ended?
i'm more independent.

What are your wishes for the new year?
God be with me.

2005-12-30T21:15:00.000+08:00

i'm happy today. :) it's an achievement. really. yay.. :p

well, i've learned a few more songs sa guitar.. bleh. that's one thing to brag about. haha. oh, didn't i tell you? i started learning how to play the guitar a few days ago.. hurray!!!

my brother's being such an ass. he's not letting me use his guitar anymore. and since he's being such a prick, i decided to buy my own. hehe. so, i now have my own guitar!!! hahaha. isn't life so beautiful?? :D my new baby's name is raul. i wanted to name him a lot of names, like oreo (anybody wants to guess why??), apollo (isn't he the god of music?), aries, hades, bugs bunny.. whatever. hehe. i finally decided on raul, after my second-favorite footballer, raul gonzalez of spain/real madrid. hehe. my raul is blue, and shiny, and simply gorgeous. he's flawless, too. i'm in love. <3. (i can't name him david because my laptop's already david. :p)

i want to stay happy until... forever. haha.

i'm hoping that the year will be off to a good start. yup, yup, yup.

oh, there's a party here tomorrow night. a lot of food are already being prepared. who wants to come? ;)

hello to my loves: saab, nicole, cha, nikay, kat, louise, abi, krista, diwa. hey, guys! i miss you. :(

-

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do

You are my only, my only one

i scream my lungs out and try to get to you, but you seem to be deaf. haha. yellowcard is love right now. haaayyy. i miss HIM. and i HATE it. well, maybe i don't hate it.. i just don't want the feeling to last for a long time. so please... let school start!!!!

2005-12-29T12:46:00.000+08:00

i decided to make a new entry na lang, rather than continue the last one, because it took me such a long time sit in front of the computer and attend to the needs of my blog. hehe.

well, let's talk about my christmas. it wasn't all that glamorous and fun. as usual, we just had dinner at lolo's house, (since my lolo's birthday is on the 24th, a day after my mom's. hehe. that's why christmas makes me fat. argh.) but noticed na christmas this year is definitely lonelier than the past christmases.. well, maybe it's because the crisis plaguing our country is more blatant this year, or prices have gone way too high, and the people's income is at a stationary level, or whatever. basta. it's lonely.

i grew up with my mom's side of the family, and all my cousins are like the extended parts of myself. it's just too sad that almost all of them are lIving outside the country na. i especially miss my partner-in-crime, my cousin anna. she's the craziest and the funnest cousin ever. christmas without her is sad. :( i think it's weird why i'm feeling sad, when i should be happy because my family's complete this holiday season. my dad's home from work, and it's amazing. i've only spent like around 5 or 6 christmases and new years with him, that's why i treasure each time he's home. when you count my birthday, mga 7 birthdays lang siguro. but i don't take it against him. he's out there alone, away from the comforts of home, to work hard enough to be able to give us the life he thinks we deserve. i love my dad so much.. el papito is my hero. hehe.

well, not all of christmas was bad. :) i had so much fun during mom's birthday. hehe. a lot of people i missed came over. yay. hehe.

for the highlight of my break, i'm friends now with keeno. we've talked about things, and i'm glad he understands. see? things aren't always as bad as they seem. hehe.

i miss manila, though. i miss my friends. i miss my SBT labs, my teammates, and my blockmates. i miss HIM. shyet.

there was this one time that really made me smile. you know what happened?? saab texted me early in the morning and said that she was hoping i had a great time daw in cebu. awww.. i miss you, babe. :* i'm having a good time, but not as good when i'm with you. HAHAHAHA. i miss you. see you soon. love you so much.

si nicole naman, she's always the one who wakes me up with her usually non-sensical but adorable texts. hehe. nic, i love you. you lessen the weight of my problems when you text me. hehe. you know that. :p i hope we get over this emo-ness. SOON.

i have a homework in physics that i have to do, but i don't think i can. hehe. i'm too lazy.

2005-12-24T02:47:00.000+08:00

it's 3:21 am, and i'm still here, fully awake and blogging. it's the after-effect of coffee, i think. well, it's a good thing. the caffeine is sort of numbing my senses, and it makes me uncapable to think of things not worth thinking about. i'd like to stay this way for a few weeks more, please.

i just came home from a night out with my brother. his friends, and my sister. oh god, how i miss them. and for the first time in my seventeen years of existence, i was FINALLY allowed to go with them. hehe. they used to ostracize me before because i was still in high school, but now that i'm in college, i am accepted. yay.

oops.. church time. got to go. finish this later.

2005-12-23T13:22:00.000+08:00

i'm home. in CEBU. it's supposed to be a yay, but seriously, i can't even find it in me to give a leap of joy. hurray.

of course it feels nice to know that i'm with my family for Christmas, because i really did miss them so much, but there's this part in me that wants to go back to manila already.. i don't why. maybe it's the weather here, it's making me all gloomy and emotional all over again. maybe not. maybe there is something in manila, something that i can't quite put a finger on. maybe it's not something. maybe it's someone.

haha. whatever. well, uhhm, it's sort of a someone. someone i saw the day before i left for cebu, that certain someone who has been evasive the past few weeks, and reappeared when i was about to leave. yay. well, see you in exactly 12 days, someone.

anyway.. when i arrived yesterday, keeno (my relentless ex-boyfriend) was there sa airport. i wasn't expecting him to be there, but he was there, nevertheless. i didn't know how to react. it was nice knowing that he was there to welcome me, but i really didn't want to see him so soon. the wounds are still so fresh... so raw, and i can stil see the deep, ugly gash smiling at me.

we talked yesterday, (well, it was more of i talked and he cried) and it was hard trying to tell him that it's over, because he was crying. no matter how pissed i was, it hurt to see him cry and beg in front of me. sometimes, i think having a soft heart can be a curse, because as much as i wanted to punch the hell out of him for not understanding things, i couldn't. he looked so forlorn and lost that i couldn't get mad.

i wanted him to understand that there is no more "us." right now, i just want my old life back. but he couldn't get it. no, he refused to get it. and that's what irked me the most. i want him to still be my friend, but he wanted more. argh. it was so frustrating, i tell you.

keen, if you're reading this, i hope you'll get it this time. it's time to let go. soon, we'll both be okay. i promise. :) best friends forever, 'di ba?? i still love you, of course. just not in that way anymore... if kita, kita man jud. just hold on to that. regardles of what happens between now and the future, kung kita, kita jud. gets? hehe.

2005-12-22T05:37:00.000+08:00

actually, i didn't just see him yesterday. (it technically happened yesterday, since it's now 5:38 am, i just got home, and i can't sleep.) he said hi to me and smiled a bit. of course i waved back. tss. but that was it. that was the length of our so-called communication. ahh f*ck. he was there in the library, just a few tables down the aisle, studying. he looks so cute when he studies. well, of course, he's cute all the time, but there's this little something more when i see him read something that has substance. haha. alright, alright. whatever. while he was studying, i was there, furiously trying to concentrate on the book i was reading, so as to stop myself from staring at him, even though it was only half of his face and most of his back i could see. i didn't care. i was just happy that he was there. :) of all the places wherein i could see him, it happened sa library. well, i guess what they say is true. things happen when you least expect them to.

and, yeah. why am i blabbing here? i should be catching a couple of zzz's before i fly to cebu later. i should, but i'm not. because i can't. i'm too... messed up to even try to sleep. i think i am starting to be insomniac. uh-oh.

but, no. i think this absolutely has nothing to do with insomnia or whatever. i'm just trying to put the blame on the closest thing i can put my finger on, because in reality, it's him that's bugging me. him, and my unrequited "like."

i'm feeling so bad. i can't even think straight. why is he constantly on my mind? i was with friends the whole night, and i think i wasn't really enjoying. know why? you bet. instead of having fun, i moped, sulked, and almost cried when i thought of him. which, i tell you, was pretty much most of the time.

is there really no hope for us?

haha. what a silly question to ask myself. i bet a lot of other girls are asking the exact same question to themselves right now. same question, directed to their selves, with the exact same guy in mind. perfect. just perfect.

see? i can never have you. girls are practically running after you! i need to stop. really. i NEED to stop. i HAVE to stop. STOP. STOP.

...i need to stop blogging so that i can finish packing my things.

...i want to stop thinking about you, but i don't want to stop thinking about you.

sooner or later, i will stop thinking about you. sooner or later, this pain will somehow subside, and i'll be back to my usual self. sooner or later, i'll be able to admit, without having to feel nauseous, the fact that i do like you. sooner or later, i'll stop crying. sooner or later, i'll think of some things that matter other than you. sooner or later, i'll be able to look at you in the eye, and say an earnest hello without my knees getting weak. sooner or later, i'll walk the same path as you do, and not try to avoid you. sooner or later, things will be okay.

but right now, allow me to wallow in self-pity. it's the only thing i'm good at.

merry christmas to you, too.

2005-12-21T14:51:00.001+08:00

i saw him kanina.

and it hurt like motherf*cking b*tch.

i should stop liking him.

stop.

stop.

stop.

he likes someone else.

2005-12-20T17:26:00.000+08:00

i saw him today. twice. but instead of feeling happy, i felt more depressed. i really am going insane. loslos ning gugma!!!

i want to forget him, but i can't. i don't actually know if i want to forget him. as in forget forget him. get my point? ah, basta. all i'm sure of right now is that i don't want to spend Christmas hurting. haha. what a lousy want. i've already started hurting, and it's going to take a lot more time than Christmas for me to get over feeling like crap. argh.

please stop doing this to me. you're slowly killing me.

-

i hung out sa YFC bench kanina. hehe. i played cards with sila b-boy and james. hehe. b-boy is sooo cute. i heart him. hehe. being with them kind of helped me feel a little better. for a few hours, he was off my mind. but then, in a snap, after the people left and the card games were done, i morphed back into my depressed self again. hooray.

-

i was with saab kanina. :) i missed her so much. i accompanied her in having her gift for mikko wrapped. i got a very nice notebook from her for Christmas. :) it's so nice, i'm not sure i'm even going to write in it. haha. sayang oi. it's so pretty, with a purple butterfly propped on a spring sa front. it's green, and the pages are immaculately smooth. awww... thanks, love! :*

-

well, i'm home now. at home, and moping.

2005-12-19T22:31:00.000+08:00

i cried in church kanina. the priest shared a very touching homily about this eight-year old handicapped boy named Ricky, who can barely hear and speak. until now, he's still in a care center, since no one wants to adopt him. who'd want to adopt a defective child, 'di ba? but handicapped as he is, he was gifted with the ability to run. he was so fast, that he won in the special olympics.

when he won that title, he was chosen as the representative of the southern tagalog region in the national special olympics. he didn't win first place, he was only fourth. you wanna know why?

...because while he was about to cross the finish line as the champion, he looked back and saw this blind boy fighting to find his way to the finish line. instead of dashing to reach the ribbon, he stopped his race for the finish, and helped the blind kind. together, they jogged to the finish line.

isn't that amazing? how can such humility manifest in a child so young? as father (i forgot his name) said, he's shown us how to be really human is. i take my hat off to you, Ricky. i hope we meet someday.

-

instead of making me happy, this post is depressing me more. why? BECAUSE. because it's talks about a runner. a boy runner. who happens to be like someone i know. well, actually, someone i'm trying to forget. :(

2005-12-19T18:43:00.000+08:00

if you're planning on ruining my night, go ahead. it's ruined anyway. there can't seem to be anything worse that could happen. i've cried and tried to let it go, but nothing's working. my head is still stuck with vivid stills of you.

why can't i stop liking you, even though it already makes me feel so stupid and desperate? you're too.. up there, too far for me to reach. you're everyone's star. every girl is after you. why aren't these reasons enough for me to block you? you're getting my defense barriers down, and i don't like it. i don't know what's going on, but i'm sure it's not good.

i hate feeling so helpless! i don't know why i'm hurting, or getting mad, or even jealous when i don't even have the f*cking right. go ahead, laugh. it's cliche, i know. but i don't give a sh*t.

why do i feel like i've been cheating on myself? i'm banking my hopes on unattainable dreams. i can't be that crazy. i have to stop now, or else, i have a feeling that if i won't, this is going to be one long and endless ride.

i'm sad. depressed. helpless. hurt. grumpy. moody. in bad need of a good cry.

hello, emo Christmas.

2005-12-18T12:13:00.000+08:00

it's a sunday morning.

scratch that. it's a sunday afternoon already. bwahahaha. i just woke up, and when i looked at my computer's clock, it's 12:14 na pala. woohoo. i'm alone in this room, kay went to divisoria with love to do some last minute shopping, and dre? i don't know where she went. maybe to up for her sunday fellowship. oh, well. a little alone time doesn't hurt.

three days more, and i'm home. yiipppee. wait.. i don't have my ticket yet. i'm just gonna call mom later and ask her about it. ha! home sweet home! :p but you know what? i'm going to miss a lot of people. yeah. it's sad. it'll be only 12 days, but it might as well be a month. tae. come to think of it, the next time i see these people, after wednesday, will be next year na. it won't be 2005 anymore. *sniff*

- SBT -

i'll miss saab, and her kalokohans, paired with an ever-present smile. the days won't be complete without me hearing her numerous expletives. haha.

i'll miss nicole, whose emo-ness has rubbed off on me. i'll miss hearing her call me, kaaaahmil. she's the only one who can pull that off. ;)

i'll miss you two. so much.

- THE BITCH/BILAT GROUP -

i'll miss louise, who seems to be the smartest and funnest 15-year old i know. she's sort of cynical these days, and seeing her annoyed makes my day complete. hehe. i'll miss teasing her.

i'll miss abi, my clitty. i'll miss bugging her about what to do with him, since we're in the exact same situation. and we hate it. with a vengeance.

i'll miss krista, who's forever the resident fashionista. soon, you will be the fashion goddess of the philippines. :p

i'll miss reggie, and the way she comforts me with words so deep that sometimes, i can't even understand them. hehe.

i'll miss diwa, and her nice jackets and shoes. hehe. seriously, i'll miss you telling me that it's all going to be okay.

i'll miss liza, and her lovely curls. hehe. i'll miss seing them bounce when you walk towards the bitch bench. hehe.

i'll miss peter, the imbitch. i'll miss his super mean-and-nasty-remarks-about-people-but-later-on-i-end-up-laughing-about-them.

and of course, i'll miss nonoy. beans, one day, you will have a girlfriend!! bwahaha. or a wife, even, and she will end your war against women. haha.

- THE TEAM -

i'll miss coach brax, the most gentle, dedicated, caring, supportive, motivating, loving, and selfless coach i have ever met. in other words, he's the best. i'll miss it when he pretends to be a great bisaya-er. hehehe.

i'll miss nikay, my goddess of literature. poems, essays, short stories, etc. it's all hers. although we'll both be in cebu, i'll miss the training hours together.

i'll miss cha, my rakista-turned-into-a-shopping-freak. haha. cha, i will steal all your money and i will spend them all on me. bwahahaha. cebu, here we come!!

i'll miss ate jus, and our chikas about the hot guys of football/europe. hehe. one day, ate jus, we will go there together.. and look for our guys. hahaha. apir! ;)

i'll miss mandy, and her very pretty face. mands, i'm turning lesbo because of you. haha. i'll miss riding your pajero. hehe.

i'll miss cha-liit, and her usually crazy/hyper self. hehe. my foodtrip buddy.

i'll miss violet, and her very captivating eyes. hehe. it's yours, yours, baby! hahaha.

i'll miss dors, and her now-anorexic self. haha. joke lang. you're getting really skinny, love. you're scaring me.

i'll miss cams, and her nice passing techniques. i'll miss talking to her during pe class.

i'll miss nj, and her penguin self. hehe. i'll miss her laugh, and her crosses, too. hehe.

i'll miss cybs, who i don't often see na. hehe. pagaling ka, cybs!

i'll miss juris, and her VERY loud voice. haha. i'll miss her erotic, goalkeeper self. period. hehe.

i'll miss thera, the great defender.. turned mountaineer. haha. BIG BROTHER fan. hehe.

i'll miss van, the newly-accepted under-19 national team player. wowowee. party na 'toh!

i'll miss k, and her cynicisms about life. hehe. okay lang 'yan, k.

i'll miss nikki, and her boylets. hehe. i'll miss her cha-like features, ergo, coach gets confused between them two. haha.

i'll miss mercedes, the strong sweeper. hoy, bruha, attend practice na. you've maxed out your cuts already. haha. (but thank you, thank you for THAT night. hehe.)

i'll miss everyone else. i'm sorry, i forgot the other names na. hehe. but, i'll miss you! really!

***

but you know who/what i'll really miss? i'll miss him. and the excitement seeing him gives me. i look forward to going to school, because there just might be a surprise waiting for me. knowing that there isn't an exact schedule of date, time, and place for me too catch a glimpse of him, makes it worthwhile. haha.

do i sound like a scary yet pathetic stalker to you? yup. i know that. i'm scaring myself, too.

***

well, seee you all next year.

have a very pleasant and merry Christmas. and oh, a very happy new year, too.

2005-12-17T23:42:00.000+08:00

i can't sleep.

it's almost midnight, but here i am, blogging. again. i guess i've just been so stressed lately. things didn't turn out the way they were supposed to. or, how i wanted them too. hayy.

well, i came from simbang gabi kanina, with love and kay. it's our 3rd straight night, and i tell you, it's very fulfilling and comforting to go to mass at the end of the day. sometimes, i feel guilty because i don't get to visit Him that often. i pass by the chapel almost everyday, but i only go to Him when i need help, or if i'm feeling really down. i'm so ungrateful.

***

well, i feel that this is going to be a very emotional Christmas. don't ask me why. just take that for an answer. i'm not in the mood to tell very long stories right now. ask me again when i'm feeling better.

dashboard confessional has been keeping me company for some time now. chris carraba, i love you. you're my savior. and as a tribute to you, mr. carraa, i'll post the lyrics of one of my most favorite songs from your band: the places you have come to fear the most.

buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,

and covered with a perfect shell,

such a charming beautiful exterior.

laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes

and perfect posture,

but you're barely scraping by,

but you're barely scraping by.

well this is one time,

this is one time that you can't fake it

hard enough to please everyone

or anyone at all, or anyone at all.

and the grave that you refuse to leave

the refuge that you've built to flee the places that you've come to fear the most,

is the place that you have come to fear the most.

buried deep as you can dig inside yourself

and hidden in the public eye

such a stellar monument to loneliness.

laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes

and perfect makeup,

but you're barely scaping by,

but you're barely scraping by.

well this is one time, this is one time

that you can't fake it

hard enough to please everyone,

or anyone at all, or anyone at all.

and the grave that you refuse to leave

the refuge that you've built to flee the places that you've come to fear the most,

is the place that you have come to fear the most

***

this song is perfect for me. great. good job.

2005-12-17T13:53:00.000+08:00

Not Pretty Enough-Kasey Chambers

Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken

Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken

Don't I make you laugh? Should I try it harder

Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me

I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break

I crave, I love, I've waited long enough

I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken

Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken

Don't I make you laugh? Should I try it harder

Why do you see right through me

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real

I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees

I hope, I stand, I take it like a man

I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken

Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken

Don't I make you laugh? Should I try it harder

Why do you see right through me?

2005-12-17T12:56:00.000+08:00

broken hearts and concrete floors.

i've been listening to emo songs the whole day, while trying to do my research proposal. i guess nic's emoness is growing on me na. haha.

dashboard confessional is love at times like these, when i need a good cry. unfortunately, i haven't cried. no, not yet. i'm waiting for something really bad or hurting that'll happen to me so that i'll have reason to bawl my eyes out. crying is therapeutic, you know. well, at least for me, it is.

***

these roads go on forever. there'll always be a place for you in my heart.

***

why can't you feel the same way? it sucks to see myself like this.

2005-12-17T10:32:00.000+08:00

it's a saturday morning, and here i am, blogging. what a nice way to start the day, eh?

but, seriously. i have so much to do, that i even don't know where to begin! papers, proposals, exams, home works.. and a lot more stuff that i would prefer to NOT do. but, no. kailangan eh. hayy. the pressures of school.

anyway, i'm not feeling okay today. i don't know how to describe what i'm feeling, but i'm pretty much sure that this doesn't fall under the category of OKAY.

i'm missing someone. i don't know why. i shouldn't be missing him, though. we're barely even friends! but, why do i feel different?? ehk--as my friend nicole would say. :p

tae.

***

how do you block the sound of a voice you'd know anywhere?

2005-12-17T00:17:00.000+08:00

fuck off.

argh. why can't people understand when i tell them that i don't want them around? sheesh.

i'm feeling really bad. and i have nothing or no one to make me feel better.

come home na. it's cold there.

***

do you ever think about me?

2005-12-16T18:46:00.000+08:00

i had training kanina. well, it wasn't really a training. we were only six, how can that be a training?? i guess people are already in holiday modes.. hehe. i understand them. who would want to train when your mind's wandering somewhere else? coach didn't want to push through with the practice, but he didn't also want to waste our efforts in going there. so he gave us an hour to hone our ball-handling skills. we dribbled around, and did a few drills, including sprints and the rest.

i wasn't in the mood to train. reallly. i was pissed, mad, sad, hurt, and grumpy. i slept nga before training eh, coach just woke me up. i had a headache, and the physics test was still haunting me. ahh, bull. i wanted to take my anger all out on the ball kanina, but i couldn't. i just didn't have the energy and the will to play. coach noticed it, i know, but he just didn't say a word.

ahhh. God, why is this happening to me? sheesh. i don't get it. this week has been hell. but thank goodness it's ending. just 3 more school days, and i'm home.

it's pretty weird. it's Christmastime already, yet i still can't feel the spirit. maybe because everyone IS depressed. hay nako. what a great way to welcome Him.

you know what? i have to get over him. i can't go on like this.

no one's there to cushion my heart-led fall.

2005-12-16T14:06:00.000+08:00

yessss!!! i have finally made a blog that i'm kina proud of. hahaha. :p

i guess i'll be transferring here na. yey. clap2.

2005-12-16T13:02:00.000+08:00

this is shit.

2005-12-16T12:52:00.000+08:00

hi.

2005-12-16T12:25:00.000+08:00

hi. test.

2005-12-03T17:46:00.000+08:00

i want this to be my official blog, but i find the layouting too hard. hehe.

2005-09-13T15:58:00.000+08:00

hahaha. i love this. superrr... saab my lab made this for me. :D

i'll be forever thankful, baby!! :* i love you, you know that! ;)

anyway.. this is my first ever post for my new blog, si i really don't know what to write yet, except for the fact that i feel relieved that i finally finished my dreaded critical paper due tomorrow. hooray!! hehe.

and, PE wasn't so bad today. :) it was a 1-all draw. at least noh, it's not THAT sucky. three cheers to dianne for the goal.

I LOVE MY NEW HAVAIANAS!!! thanks to NICOLE SARMIENTO!! hehe. i love them, but i love you more. mwah. :*

after PE, nicole dropped saab, agi, and i sa condo ni saab coz she had to get her atm to pay for something. hehe. i will forever be grateful to you, isabella. i swear, i love you to death!! then, we ate sa kfc kasi walang food sa condo.. after nun, i sat in their math class coz they persuaded me to. haha. SOBRANG BORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!! i pity the teacher coz most of the students were falling asleep or doing something else totally unrelated sa subject. haha.

ayos ang araw. palakpak.

2005-09-12T20:35:00.000+08:00

Test.